The last entry mum ever wrote in her diary was on 6th August 2013,
“ 11.20, ______ Hospital [appointment for scan]. Had a horrible night, was cold and hot. Couldn’t sleep”.
Her writing was spindly and shaky, she usually had such beautiful, artistic handwriting.
This is an example of her normal handwriting:
She was diagnosed with terminal cancer on 20th August, 2013, so the rest of the pages were blank. That is until I reached Monday December 2nd, 2013:
‘’If I’m still here, make sure to end contract with BT broadband and telephone calls and change to P.O. (Post Office) for calls”
Well that was a shock, as she died a month earlier!
There was also an entry on Saturday December 28th : “Richard Clayderman’s birthday. Favourite artist ever”.
A few weeks before she died, she asked me for some envelopes, so she could write to her sister who had gone back to Canada. Instead of writing on paper, she wrote her thoughts on the envelope. I didn’t realise until I saw this, how confused and paranoid she’d become with the brain mets.
“____________ Hospital –
My family are evil I cannot remember why I tried to commit all [suicide]. All I know I don’t why and all my clothes and (?) have been sold. I’ve and my sister come all the way from Canada because she now things out of my (?). My daughter knows knows I have cancer it’s not my fault I can’t get rid of it”
“Your evil and I’ll I’ll never forget what you done. I hope it happy”.
I very nearly threw the envelope away at the time as I was so upset when I found it. It was as though it had been written by an angry stranger, not my lovely mum.
Now I realise that it is a small insight into how the cancer had affected her brain and how her perception of the world and people she loved had been affected.