October 29th, 2014 – 363 days ago

dotty heart


It’s a year since I last saw you. God it’s gone so quickly.

We had a good chat last night under my messy bed covers – I know it’s just my imagination creating a vision of you I want to see and hear, but it’s still comforting.

I say goodnight to your photo most nights – if I forget, I usually wake up in the middle of the night, walk over to your photo hanging on the back of the door and apologise.

Today I will find the guts to go to the undertakers and sort out a headstone for you.

Will also pick your bicycle up from the repairers – I made a special request and asked them not to remove your name you’d engraved in red pen on the frame. I will practice wobbling on it and imagine you laughing at me.

Missing you so much and wishing things were as they were before.

9th October, 2014 – Good old Mum, she always chose the safest time to ring!

There was quite a violent thunderstorm during the early hours of this morning. It felt a little sad, as my mum always used to ring me up in the middle of one to ask, “Are you ok?”. I am terrified of thunderstorms – always have been.

Very recently, I found out that I was born during a violent thunderstorm and a sheep in the field behind was struck and died.
Even as an adult I have hidden under tables (it won’t get you there :-D ), under the bedcovers and even spent the night quivering in a stairwell once.

Good old Mum, she always chose the safest time to ring. Ha!

27th September, 2014 – Stars

stars paper

I sat in the garden tonight in the dark, I’ve never done that before.

Looked up at the sky and saw my mum’s initial in the stars. Sounds crackers – I’m not one for believing in the afterlife crap.

Went to see about a headstone, but the shop had closed down.
I strongly believe we’ll be together one day.

21st August, 2014 – 8.59am. On this day, this exact hour last year.

eyes crying in dark

It’s funny what horrible things your mind remembers. This exact hour last year, I found mum in bed – groaning – eyes rolling-unresponsive to stimuli.

I had to grow up and fast. I called an ambulance from mum’s home phone in her living room and they somehow called me back on my mobile. The operator calmly gave me instructions over the phone on how to give first aid. I thought the paramedics would give up on her, when I told them she had terminal cancer.

Experienced suffocating nightmares all night – one I remember are a group of old classmates leading me through a door down some stone spiral stairs in the dark. We reach a dead end, they run back up and close the door behind me.

Mum’s cat has been acting up in a big way –he was there this day last year too, quivering behind the TV. I wonder if he remembers too.

20th August, 2014 – The nasal trimmer and other things.

parrots by mum

Well it’s here, the 1st anniversary of mum’s diagnosis.

An odd thing happened too – the flood stuff we had taken into storage at the end of last year – some people arrived in a tiny van to bring it back – two pieces of furniture which belonged to my mum a box of beer and wine glasses and a nasal hair trimmer (still in the box, bought as a joke for my OH because he has a few vines growing out of his nose).

Was delighted to see mum’s favourite furniture – a wooden bookcase and display cabinet. They’re very nice, even though they’re not my taste. We’re really grateful to have any furniture at all and it’s nice to have a bit of mum back in the house.

Other than that, the day has been quite normal. I took the flowers to mum’s resting place, then checked the other plots around her were ok. I could only will myself stay a few minutes in the cemetery.

Went to art centre on spur of the moment to try and arrange an exhibition of mum’s work. The lady in charge won’t be in until tomorrow.

And now what to do with the nasal trimmer…

19th August, 2014 – Didn’t want to get thrown out of the cemetery, so settled for some boring red carnations instead.

yellow mum heart

Another anniversary…is it really a year? No way! Wow, it feels like only last week … can’t believe a year has passed since mum’s diagnosis.

Got the flowers ready to visit her tomorrow. I almost bought a miniature novelty cactus from Tesco which was dressed in pink sunglasses. Didn’t want to get thrown out of the cemetery, so settled for some boring red carnations instead.

The last week has been rubbish if I’m honest – spent most of it thinking about tomorrow. It’s a 48 hour anniversary really, as the following day this time last year, mum almost successfully tried to kill herself.

Had a good think about showing her beadwork work to an arts centre for exhibiting this morning. It’d be a lovely way to mark the first anniversary of her death in November. It’d be wonderful to share her work with others.